5 Things Girls Do Before They Have Sex With You

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

I imagine that preparing for highly anticipated sex is a lot like planning a fancy dinner party. I don’t cook, so I may never test the validity of that hypothesis, but both involve a lot of painstaking planning, timing, and meticulous work. I’m sure some women are mature and self-actualized goddesses who don’t feel the need to shave, groom, or do anything before they get naked and touch another human being that they really, really want to touch. I am not one of them, and I’d like to formally salute the other anxious ladies in this world with this one.

1) We shave. Shave it all. If I could afford it, I would most definitely have a wizard with a laser remove all of the hair from my legs and underarms, and possibly even my bikini line if that’s a thing that we do now. I would…

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Meet Megan Michaud.

I still can’t get over the fact that I’m married! It feels like starting over, being a new person and it’s amazing. To celebrate a new me, to kick start getting back on the healthy track and stop the late night Taco Bell deliciousness… I chopped off all my hair. I did a J-Law, literally, that is the cut I chose.

IMG_5082My sexy face ;) haha.

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IMG_5078The side looks a little odd, but lucky for me I can’t see it!

I actually really like it, it is taking some time to get use to but I feel like a new person every time I look in the mirror now!

 

Also a new bag I picked up on the cruise ship!  I have never owed a name brand bag before and I was so excited when I found out the store was selling Guess bags for 50% off.  This was $96 and I got it for $48 (no tax on the ship!).

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Also a little cuff bracelet I got in Key West <3 I know it’s a shitty picture but I wanted to show it off.

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My husband in his new fedora <3, I’m stealing it.

 

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My husband and I plan to get octopus tattoos to remember our honey moon.  I REALLY like both these designs, I realize the second picture is a pair of tights, but I love the octopus and the location on her leg.  Also I adore the first one and it’s position as well!  I can’t make up my mind, and I have a huge list of tattoos already haha. 

 

 

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Shindigs, Wedding and Honeymoon.

I write this now as a married woman. This whole month has been a blur from the bachelorette party, to the wedding, to the honeymoon and back again. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing family who threw us the biggest shindig I’ve ever been too. I realize I planned a lot of the wedding, but everything went perfectly.

I’m just going to try and sum the whole thing up here :-P.

Bachelorette Party.

We left NY August 9th, my mother, my son and I bound for Burlington Vermont. My cousins the bridesmaids have planned a party for me, which we are already late for (mom had a medical thing). My fiance says goodbye to our son and I, a little heavily. He has already been gone the whole week on a work related trip, and now he won’t see either of us again for another full week (he misses his boy!). We depart sadly, this is the longest we have ever been apart

The trip to Vermont is quick and smooth, my son Henry seems to enjoy car rides and is being an angel lately (how did I get so lucky?!). We arrive late, only to learn that my bridesmaids had planned to take me to a wine tasting, but we missed it. So we are doing our own tasting at my aunts house! We sample all the wine in the cupboard while my aunt, uncle, my two cousins and our family friend go around the table to say all the things they love about my man. It was heart warming to say the least, they really love him.

We dress, all of us in LBD’s and Bride/Bride-To-Be buttons decorating our finest black dresses. I end up loaning a dress to my cousin, Allison and she rocks it far better then I do. I think about giving it to her, then realize my man would be angry (it’s his favorite :-P). I am given a clip on mini top hat, that in the days to come my son will obsessively play with until it is no longer wearable. I am also gifted with cups decorated with penises, what would a party be without a good frosted glass with a penis printed on it??

My aunt drops my cousins and our friend off down town, where I am given a scavenger hunt list, a set of stickers with perverse sayings on them, and we head to dinner. We eat at The Vermont Pub and Brewery, here their menus look like news papers, and all the food looks AMAZING. I order the Veggie Mushroom Philly, and we all get a round of drinks, including a beer sampler. If you ever get a chance to go to Burlington, hit this place up. The beer is incredible! Not to mention very reasonable. Here I give out my “best ass” sticker to the waiter, who sticks it on his menu. He does have a great ass.

Next we hit up a place that would would live in if I could: Radio Bean. I belong here, this place is half coffee house/ half bar. They serve lattes, caps, and hot cocktails with wonderful delicious booze. I would have spent the night here if I hadn’t had a hunt to complete and stickers to hand out. My list required me to kiss a 70 year old man, take a photo with a cop, find three penis shaped objects and take photos with them, have someone congratulate me in French, get a man to buy me a shot, yell Penis in a crowded street, and a few acts I want no evidence of on the internet. I finished my list, handed out all my stickers, and even hung out with a bachelor party. I found a few things that didn’t exactly look like a penis… like the Bachelor… not very good pictures… but who takes a good photo drunk right??  Oh.. and in case you have never seen a penis before, the bachelor in the boa is a Penis.  They all come with tiaras right??  I wouldn’t know.

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The day after the party… was a God Damn nightmare.  Never been so sick in my LIFE.  Hugging the toilet to save myself from falling off the world.  I normally never drink when I know my son will be around the next day, but knowing my mother would be there until at least 1, I thought I would have recovered by then… but no.  My son likes to hang out in the bathroom with me, look at magazines, line things up on the tub.  He is very patient, today he saw me puking for the first time.  I felt awful… until I was done and he walked up to me, leaned over the toilet went “a phew phew phew” looked at me with a grin, pat me on my head and went about his business… Yup. I spent the rest of that day curled on the couch with a bucket, while my Uncle (who I call Uncle Splinter, and he calls me Raphie- due to die hard love for the ninja turtles).  Binge watched movies with my son and I, Toy Story, Babe… and a film he calls the ultimate hang-over cure “Gold Diggers.”  It’s a god awful film with a lot of heart.  By the time the movies were done, I was feeling about 50% better.  My aunt made quinoa pizza and we went for creamies after.  Yay hang overs.

The next day, my cousin Beth, my son Henry and I left for Dover, New Hampshire.  Where I would spend the rest of my week dealing with last minute wedding details, hitting up Planet Fitness with Beth and binge watching the last season of True Blood ( I STILL haven’t seen the finale!!!!).  We hit up the local juice bar: Juicy Roots where I am OBSESSED with their Skinny melon smoothie (watermelon, mint, strawberries mmmm) and their Odacova wrap.  They are an awesome little hole in the wall, with all Vegan menu and a swing (A big people swing!!! <3). 

 

The night before the wedding I spend until 2 a.m. on the phone with my love <3 writing my vows.  Inspired by Urban Dictionary.

 

Wedding Day.

My morning started bright an early with my lovely son up at 6:30… yes that’s right, 6:30!!!!  Four hours of sleep and not a nap in sight before my wedding… great.  So up at 6:30 I spend my morning hanging with my angel until 11:30 rolls around and I head straight to the hair parlor.  I get there, and knowing they are going to charge me a nice fee for a “wedding up do” I tell them I want a regular up do and just tell them I am GOING to a wedding.  Stupid yes, but effective.  I go and they have no photos, so I look through a magazine and get some inspiration from J-Law.  In the middle of having my hair done and about half way into a glass of white wine, my ladies show up… and tell the hair dresser I am the one getting hitched.  She’s shocked to say the least haha.  Awkward…

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I love my laid-back up-do, and wish I could have it forever.  Buuuttt I have no talent with hair so what ever.  We head to Juicy Roots for some pre-wedding juice and food goodies.  I grab an green-a-colada (spinach, pineapple, coconut) and a “Full Monty” wrap, which is pretty much all ingredients in one wrap and it is SO GOOD. 

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I’m awesome.

The girls drop me off, and I run over to the local Sephora to have my make up done.  WOW she did an AWESOME job and I am so buying the products she used.  I am kind of blown away with how dark the bronzer was and how good it looked, she used a shade higher then I normally do and it made a huge difference.  I ended up buying a Joise Maran mascara and a Make Up Forever Lipstick. 

Back at my Nana’s I get dressed, in a room full of people with a toddler.  Things went surprisingly smooth.

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My beautiful mother getting me dressed.

10600468_10152758342968949_8012133392655784906_nMy mother and bridesmaid cousin Allison.

10628596_10152758343118949_5746383798443161437_nMy sons tie, something blue ;)

10576954_10152758343398949_123426693334359565_nPre-game champange.

10609456_10152759543678949_3702885312574906395_nOne of my lovely bridesmaids. <3

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10577158_10152758343518949_4274878310627214069_nBridesmaid bouquet.

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Henry pre-gaming his massive water consumption <3.

 

The Wedding:

We got to the park, with champagne in our water bottles.

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We were a little early and everyone was hanging around the park, I could see my groom through the trees and my cousins threw a down blanket over me (oddly the same colour as their dresses) so I could sneak to the bathroom without being seen.  We had to walk through someone elses wedding to get there.  I’m sure all her guests were thrown off to see another bride in the bathroom.  We hide behind the bushes, my bridesmaids, father and I until we heard “Bittersweet Symphony,” playing to cue the girls.  We didn’t realize it was going to be such a long wait for my father and my cue or they would have walked slower.  We ended up waiting awkwardly in the bushes :-P.  Seeing Brandon after so long, felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  He looked so handsome in his suit.

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My aunt was marrying us, not for convenience but because she is a HUGE part of our lives and a daily inspiration.  It’s funny because even though she and I are not blood related, I am sometimes thought to be her daughter, or blood relative because we are so similar and even look a little a like.  We had a really original ceremony, words personal to us and our relationship together.  We read and wrote our own vows, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful writer as a husband.  I wish I could write how he does.  I won’t share our vows here, or the things said in the ceremony.  Everything was very personal and meaningful to us.

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We even had a quinoa ceremony, to represent our journey to a healthy full filling life together.

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I poured white quinoa into the jar, Brandon poured the red.  And we will cook it for our wedding anniversary.  My aunt also got the rest of the wedding guests involved in the ceremony by explaining and demonstrating why the wedding rings are worn on that finger.  We all pressed our fingers together a certain way, and slowly separated them one-by-one.  Each finger represented something, parents, children ect… and the ring fingers are for spouses.  You cannot easily separate the ring fingers.  When it was done, my aunt pronounced us Husband and wife, we kiss, and make our exit to “Summer Dress” by July Talk. <3

It was so good seeing all of my family together, both my moms side and my fathers side get along VERY well.  I have a blessed, family filled life where my cousins, cousins are my cousins and vise-versa.  And of course, like any good wedding there is always at least ONE wedding crasher.

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.10304781_10153110988824251_9121780452115719969_nBrandon, my aunt Nat and I.

10464402_10152759543963949_6857978412582912998_nThe Groomsmen

232323232%7Ffp83232)uqcshlukaxroqdfv 49 =ot)247 =(;5=375=XROQDF)26746 2; 7253ot1lsiMe and the guys.

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10363562_10152758344298949_5187177280354405666_nEvery reunion my we take a picture like this, MK, Beth, Allison and I in a tree at my G-Pops house.  We did it here instead <3.

10615695_696161343801161_2001960487_n10628351_10152758344463949_6958241538940990580_nThese are my brother, Taylor in the pink flew in from Italy, my brother Brett in the blue from NYC.

232323232%7Ffp83232)uqcshlukaxroqdfv7 66=ot)247 =(;5=375=XROQDF)26746 2; 5253ot1lsiA happy man :-P.

10641092_940983512594812_5292190712112047200_nOur dream to be married my the ocean.

 

The After Party

After the wedding, we all headed over to The Old Salt for our dinner and cupcake desert.  Our dinner menu…

Main Course: Steak Tip Marsala and/or chicken cordon bleu.

Veggies: Horse Raddish Sweet potato, squash medley.

Starch: Rice Pilaf

Our deserts were provided by the restaurant, everything from pecan pie bars to chocolate covered cookie dough balls.  As well as cupcakes from Random Acts of Sweetness in Portsmouth.  Our flavors were…

Good Morning Sunshine: Orange cake with champagne frosting.

Red My Mind: Red Velvet with cream cheese frosting

Hazed and Confused: Chocolate cake with hazelnut frosting

Peanut Gallery: Chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting

Opposites Attract: Vanilla cake with chocolate frosting.

Our wedding playlist: Modest Mouse, Cat Powers, Bon Iver… annndd I may have stuck some Spice Girls and Hanson in there too ;).

10568807_10152759543988949_6645284167403271116_nHave to admit it was awesome, every time my son got restless, I took him out for a walk around the building.  All the cars honked at us <3.

  10297551_10204663865295494_2547463038841333674_nThe female wedding party <3.

232323232%7Ffp83232)uqcshlukaxroqdfv;637=ot)247 =(;5=375=XROQDF)26746 2;9;253ot1lsiMy Lovely Aunt.

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10616517_10152758344713949_1152984631623576320_nMy mom and I, without her I wouldn’t have had such an amazing wedding.

10364017_10152758345123949_4083771291916685815_nMy brothers date, a friend of the family Seth “Sexums”

10599311_10152758345478949_7986767679756695101_nMother and daughters.

 

After, after party.

We hit up downtown Portsmouth after dropping all our stuff off at the hotel.  Have I mentioned at this point that I have to be on a bus at 3:00 a.m. to get to Boston airport?  No.  Well we do.  So we thought we would hit up the town until 2 a.m. call a cab at 2:15 and head to the station.  So we hit up the Portsmouth bar scene.  It was so amazing to hang out with my cousin David, my brother and Vermont cousins all at the same time again.  Considering how far away David and Taylor live.

16715_10152758345683949_1590890385844622205_nMy husband, brother and our friend Sexums.

1919675_10152758345733949_7552660637189901462_nMy cousin David and I.

1621826_10152758345863949_9027392115593517315_nEveryone stuffed in the car on the way back to the hotel.  With street hoggie mmmm.

 

We shared a cab with my uncle from Texas (who also needed to be at the airport), and went to begin our honey moon.  First stop: Miami, to crash in a SUPER SWANK Hilton hotel room.  14th floor, it was beautiful.  Better then any apartment I have ever lived in.  I never wanted to leave.  We sadly slept our whole Miami day away, and had to rush to get a ride to the cruise ship.  

 

The Cruise

So I loved the cruise of course.  The first night we were a little thrown off that we had to share a table with another couple.  Turned out they were ALSO on their honey moon and they were awesome cruise buddies.  We ended up seeing a comedy show with them, sharing their nightly bottles of wine, hitting up the casino and an adult game show.  Our dinners every night were delicious!  Three course meals with escargot, strawberry gazpacho, steak, duck, lamb, anything you can think of they had and it was all SO good.  A different menu every night.  We also purchased an unlimited drink card for both of us… there was a lot of Starbucks, mimosas, champagne, mojitos and Bloody Mary’s.  Plus our waiter showed us magic tricks every night. 

Day One: we went to Nassau, which was a crazy town, with crazy people.  You know you’re in a fun place where the guy trying to rent a moped to you is also offering drugs.  I bought my son a drum, didn’t haggle, forgot I COULD haggle and got it for $20… which doesn’t bother me because all the stores were selling them for $25… and this one was cooler.  My husband bought a felt fedora.  It’s kickin.

Day Two: Cococay island.  Awesome place, super clear water, which was very convent because there were jelly fish EVERYWHERE.  Oh and barracuda, we didn’t see one, but I could see it feeding in the water.  We drank Coronas out of wide mouthed bottles, and went on nature walks through the woods that were COVERED and I mean covered with tiny hermit crabs.  It took forever to get through the paths because we didn’t want to crush one.  We bought a couple tickets to go down this crazy giant blow up slide (worth every penny) and played a couple rounds of volley ball. 

Day Three: Key West.  Originally we had made arrangements to go snorkeling, but didn’t consider the fact that my husband wears glasses… so he COULDN’T go.  Instead we went ashore and hit up the aquarium.  It was AMAZING, I haven’t been to one since I was younger and this was beautiful.  There were open in ground ponds where you could play with horse shoe crabs, sea cucumbers and other safe marine life.  There were also two large in door ponds full of sting rays, and nurse sharks.  These were beautiful, and I would have loved to hop in with them… if it wasn’t frowned upon… or potentially dangerous.  Outside of the aquarium were large gated areas of sea water, where you could walk around and view rescued sea turtles and a large area housing a dozen sharks, all different kinds.  We got to see the instructor feed them all, PLUS there was a tank with four baby sting rays, that you COULD touch.  I would have stayed there all day if I could.  I got to pet them and feed them.  It was beautiful.  We also hit up Hemingway’s House and took the guided tour.  We have chosen to get tattoos of octopus to commemorate our trip. 

 

Amazing month.

 

Chaps!

So I had to go shopping for my up coming cruise in August. Honey Moon baby! Anyway, my mother took us on a shopping trip down to the Kohl’s in Watertown NY. I have to say when I first went in I went straight for JLo, Lauren Conrad, Vera Wang… and found NOTHING. (Well one Lauren Conrad dress, but that’s tomorrow :-P). I was so sad, all their clothing is so cute, but nothing for me. I ended up looking with my mother in a section I had avoided because it seemed like there was nothing but older women shopping there… glad I went. I don’t normally associate the brand “Chaps” with clothing that I’m interested. Perhaps I’m just getting older, or maybe their clothing is getting better, who knows… but I ended up buying three dresses. Two of which were very Joan Harris- Mad Men style, and the shape wear I bought was super sexy. Kind of wish I could just wear the shape wear around the cruise ;).

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All the make up in the world won’t cover Mount Megan.

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Nor any amount of bang!

 

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The shoes I’ll be wearing with my wedding dress!  Thought I would wear them around today, break them in, make sure I don’t kill myself on the big day!

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Chaps maxi dress!  I plan to wear this around the cruise ship, and out shopping the local wears.

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All my pictures I ended up cropping out the side of the couch… but I hated to cut this beautiful painting out.  My man’s beautiful works of art <3.

 

Dress:  Kohls $82.

Shoes: Vera Wang I paid $74 but they are on sale NOW for $42!!

Earrings: Avon (old)

Lip Stick: Estee Lauder Pure Colour Lipstick in Solar Crush

What I wore: Henry and Me time <3

Had a massive laundry day yesterday! (STILL PUTTING IT AWAY!) About 10 loads and I probably have more to do tomorrow. I don’t know how I still have so much after getting rid of three bags of larger clothes, that I no longer fit into. I also cleaned out my sons closet of at least 4 garbage bags… yet we are still over run!

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These were the only picture ouf of 50 that I could get to turn out semi-ok with my new camera.  Oh well.

I love the transparent trend!  Especially since I bought this skirt in March of last year (and it was on clearance so it was out of season!).  I thought I would pair the two of them together: ultra transparent on the bottom with a white opaque skirt beneath the neon pink wispy fabric.  And a more toned down transparency on the top, the thick zig-zags distract from noticing right away that you can see through it.  I actually didn’t realize it was transparent until my fiance and I were out one day and after a few hours he pointed it out to me!  I guess it took him a while to notice as well.  I <3 it.

 

Shirt: Sears (on Clearance!!!!)

Skirt: Jcpenny(old) similar item here

Sun Glasses (old): Debs

Locket: Local Shop.

 

What I wore to the bank.

So I have been DYING to wear my favorite LBD some where, but some how it never get’s out of the bedroom.  Today I said “fuck this!”  and I tossed it on to walk my son to the bank.  I chose to dress it down with a casual lip, a military inspired jacket and punky leather sandals.

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The only think I dislike about this outfit is the jacket inside lapel billows out a bit (as shown above)

Dress: Kardashian Kollection (Sears)

Necklace: Handmade in Turkish Shop

Jacket: Sears (two seasons ago)

Nosey Rosey

So I FINALLY got enough motivation to head down to the tattoo parlor for my 4th nose ring(yup 4th).  Having lost the first three over the years to very odd mishaps I had given up all hope of ever having another nose ring.  But this year, to celebrate a newer, more confident ME, I got pierced again.

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Newly pierced about two hours ago, pretty stoked about it.  Kind of wish I had gone with the other side though, oh well.

Also I’ve ALWAYS wanted to wear glasses, I’m a sadist I know.  Turns out my fiances also harbors that little desire as well, apparently he has a thing for girls with glasses.  So upon learning this glorious piece of information, we went out together and picked up a first pairs from a store that I once worshiped as a preteen: Claires.  I haven’t been in there in YEARS and now I think I maybe addicted again.  Is that sad?  I’m 26 ha.   

 

Lip Colour: Maybelline Color Sensational Vivids Lip Color in Vivid Rose

Liner: Kat Von D Water Proof Autograph pencil in Puro Amor

Glasses: Claires