So I’m reading the August issue of Cosmo with the Megan Fox interview. I love Megan Fox, don’t get me wrong, I think she is amazing and sexy and cool. But I’m sitting here, drinking my Oolong-tea, and I see her opinion on Monogamy in the Hot or Not section. “Of course, hot. There’s no other option. You can’t be in a relationship without monogamy. I mean, my God!” I agree some what, that monogamy is an only option for some people and Hell I thought it was for me too. I was in a relationship with my high school boyfriend for five years(during which I was friends with my now-husband). He cheated… a lot. Any opportunity he had, he would cheat and it’s so hard to look back and try to remember the good times, when all I can think about is my paranoid thoughts. I use to think I was psychic, because I was always right about what he was doing. He was brazen about it, bringing girls home from the bar, leaving messages on his phone and denying anything was going on “I want to bend you over and pull your hair”… that could mean anything right??? RIGHT? It’s left me with a lot of anger, a lot of insecurity, and a lot of self hatred. I wasn’t good enough, still runs through my head. My husband says he has never slept with any one else in our relationship, he’s been open about giving out his number, planning to sleep with someone, kissing another girl… but says he has never had sex with any one else while we were dating/are married. And I carried that suspicion for a long time and it hurt our relationship. I couldn’t accept that as the truth, but I believe now that it is. I was insecure because I felt like I wasn’t enough for him, he is a sex pot, this man of mine. He is literally a step away from addiction I’m sure. But what is sex addiction? Couldn’t people just be hardwired that way?
So through out our relationship, I have accepted the things he does as a normal thing for him. And it has become a laid back, open environment that I feel we are thriving in. He never wanted marriage, didn’t want to just be with one woman because, let’s face it, not all of us have seen the good that can come from monogamy. But this year, he took the step and proposed, something he swore up and down he would never do, and while I know that he did it so I could be on his health insurance, and it was the next step for us after a baby… I started to feel something I never REALLY felt. SECURE. The minute that ring was on my finger it was like a switch flipped in my head. I had a new found confidence, that I WAS enough. My body started to change, I didn’t stress eat any more, I started to take care of myself, exercising, eating better… and just feeling all around good. I dropped 40 lbs, I stopped stressing all together.
My husband and I have always been sexually comfortable with each other. He was the first man to give me an orgasm during sex (and it was the first time we had sex mind you.), I can walk into the house and find him masturbating, watching porn and either join him, or let him do what he has to do. I swallow, go down on him, fuck or all three. Sometimes he just wants to do it himself… I’ve never imagined myself in this kind of relationship, but I have been for four+ years now. We webcam, use toys, go to sex shops together, we’ve even made a model of him. He has recommended books for me to read: The Story of O, Justine and I have red them all and enjoyed them and admired these heroins. We are comfortable.
Now that we are married, we have stepped into a new part of our relationship, the part where I’m only interested in him… but he is still interested in other women. I’ve accepted it, I’ve set terms with him, and as long as he keeps to one night stands why shouldn’t he get to enjoy his married life? I use to be afraid when he went out without me, because the only thing I could thing about was him cheating on me. Now he comes home and tells me of the women he’s danced with, why he chose to dance with them, opened up about being hesitant to go any further… and I LOVE IT. I love being the person he comes home to, and while he hasn’t followed through yet, and I know it might be a little bumpy at first… I have never felt closer to him. He is first and foremost my best friend, this was the foundation of our friend ship, us talking, talking about girls and boys. Now we are married and I am the happiest I have ever been with anyone, and more importantly, with myself.
Next step? Need some new batteries for my camera, to make my own Fetlife profile, and pick a sassy name ;).